Are you struggling to communicate your sexual needs, desires and boundaries? You are not alone. Most of the time no one taught us how to talk about sex with a partner, until now.
It's important to examine and understand your arousal and desire. As well as to learn how to express your needs, desires and boundaries clearly and respectfully.
Firstly, it's important to recognize that arousal doesn't always have to be sexual - it can simply be an awakening of an emotion, thought, or body sensation. Everyone's experience of arousal is unique and can be influenced by past experiences and programming. ( ask me about learning the language of arousal and pleasure with the Blueprint Breakthrough course)
Unfortunately, society often sends mixed messages about sexual expression, sexual identity, gender identity, roles and expression. Half the time we are told to suppress our emotions and sexuality, while the other times we are told it is healthy to express and explore our sexuality and emotions. Leading to a disconnect and misunderstanding within ourselves and between partners. This is part of why communication is so important!
Here are 8 tips for how to talk about sex with your partner
1.First begin by making sure the other person has the time, energy and capacity to have the conversation with you. If it’s not an ideal time, ask if they're willing to have a conversation at another time and schedule it. Choose a private and non-distracting location where both of you feel comfortable and can be present.
2. Lead with love, vulnerability, courage and an open heart and mind. “I really value our relationship and I still feel kinda scared to have this conversation with you.” ‘I really enjoy our sex life and I am also curious about some things/there are somethings I want to share with you”
3.Be honest: Share your own thoughts and feelings. Speak in the I when possible. Take responsibility for your experience.
4. Do not take anything personally! Avoid making assumptions or judgments about the other person's experiences or preferences. Listen to understand. Practice listening without interrupting, judging. defending or explaining your position when the other person is sharing. Ask open-ended questions to show you're interested and to clarify any misunderstandings.
5. Use clear language: Use words that are clear and unambiguous, speaking in metaphors, in general or vague causes confusion and misunderstanding. Be specific and direct about what you're referring to, and be open to asking for clarification if needed. Don’t assume the meaning of the words used. For example, “sex” or ‘cheating' ' or ‘open relationship’ sounds silly and most people have an idea in their head about what words mean. It just might be different than yours. ( Ask me about Erotic Alignment, in this course we get exceptionally clear with ourselves so we can communicate with other more effectively)
6. Respect boundaries: Be aware of (your own and) the other person's comfort level, and capacity to stay within their “window of tolerance” in experiences and conversations. Respect their boundaries (and yours). Take a break if needed, walk around and reground before you come back to the conversations ( this can take 15-20min or more or less). Resist the urge to push or have to finish/come to a decision immediately.
7. Remember that consent is important in all aspects of sexual activity, including conversations. If you need a break, take one. When your partner calls a break don't follow them around or keep talking. The issues will still be there in 20 min or tomorrow. Oftentimes the break helps us lower emotions and step into a more present and embodied state…which leads to solutions!
8.The goal is to return to love sooner than later. Remind each other what you love and appreciate about each other.
By following these tips, you can have productive and easeful conversations about sex that can help build trust and understanding between you and the other person.
It's important to remember that everyone has feelings, desires for touch and intimacy, and a right to be in pleasure. By learning how to communicate your sexual needs, desires and boundaries, you can deepen your connections and experience more fulfilling relationships. ( check out our class on the second Wed of every month, Eros Exploration)
By communicating your needs clearly and respectfully, you can build trust and intimacy with your partner.
If you're struggling to express yourself or understand your arousal, consider reaching out to me. I can help you navigate these complex issues. Don't let shame or societal norms hold you back from experiencing the full range of human emotions and pleasures and living with passion.