As an old pro, I can usually tell who watches a lot of porn and mostly masturbates. Some can go forever but struggle to finish with a partner. Others only climax in one specific position, usually the one from their favorite porn fantasy. Some don’t watch porn at all. They’ve just been solo for a long time, and because their orgasms have always been self-produced, that pattern shows up no matter who’s in front of them.
For others it goes the opposite way. After years of fast, solo routines, the moment they’re with a real person, they lose control sooner than they’d like.
I know this from my own experience too. When I’ve been in a rhythm with my vibrator, I want that vibrator to get me there, even with a partner, because it’s what my body is used to. And when I’ve been varied in my positions, climax comes more easily in all of them. When I’ve stuck to one, anything else feels harder.
It’s a pattern, not a flaw
Coming too soon, or not at all, is often about patterning: what your body and mind have gotten used to.
The good news is that you can repattern how you experience pleasure at any time. It takes practice, so be kind to yourself. There’s nothing wrong with you.
You’re in a loop, and we all get into loops, physically and mentally. What matters is noticing it, and if you want change, taking responsibility for your power to shift it toward what brings you the most joy.
Your brain is a habit machine
The mind is non-physical, where all your ideas live. The brain is physical, a processing machine that builds programs and shortcuts to make life easier. Think of something you do so often you could do it in your sleep. That’s your brain at work. Good job, brain!
Once you know that’s what it does, you can use it. If your brain learned a pleasure pattern, it can learn a new one.
Why people want to change
Most people want to shift their patterning for one of two reasons:
- Guilt or shame. They’d rather be turned on by something else. This is the toughest one, because a preference can’t be shamed away. Change has to come from positive drive, not self-criticism.
- Curiosity. They simply want to experience something different. This is easier, because you’re already starting from a positive place.
The positive drive principle
At any given moment, we’re making the decision we believe is best for us. Life is a series of choices, and we have to accept what brings us pleasure without judgment before we can evaluate our choices honestly
From there, practice mindfulness in the moment and ask:
– Is what I’m doing getting me closer to what I want?
– What’s the benefit of this action versus the benefit of doing something else?
Weigh benefit against benefit, not good against bad. That’s how you change a pattern without shame: by choosing the path that brings you more of what you want.
Ready to repattern?
If you want support shifting a pattern, whether it’s about pleasure, habits, or anything else you feel stuck in, Freedom Model coaching can help. Together we’ll look at the benefits behind your choices, drop the shame, and build change from positive drive.
