I put my high heels on, make my favorite tea, and break out my dark chocolate. I light some candles and incense. My lover is on the way!
My body is alive with anticipation, there is a knock at the door. He is here! Next, I open the door to a beautiful man, strong and sexy. We embrace and passionately kiss. Then he asks“Where do you want to play today?” Energy shoots through my body as I present the massage table set up in my living room. We continue to kiss and slowly remove each other’s clothes. He lays me down and starts to caress my body. I feel his presence and desire. My body surrenders to his touch and I feel my arousal continue to build…Totally sober, conscious, and present.
That’s how I experience my sex life today, but it wasn’t always that way.
In the past, I didn’t really connect with myself, let alone my partner. It was like this until I figured out some very important and powerful tools.
How many of you would like to have confidence, deeper connection, and presence in your sex life? What about without having to have a few drinks to loosen up?
When people who usually use substances are sober, they can feel vulnerable and inhibited. The reality is, they stuck in their head so much they can’t enjoy their experiences and truly be present. What they really want is to feel confident, have fun passionate sex, and develop a deeper connection in their relationships.
People want to be accepted for who they are.
Surprisingly, sex was not always conscious and honoring for me. In fact, it was unconscious and unspoken. It was about power, manipulation and control. Sex was about feeling needed, seeking validation, and people pleasing others through sex. I was often seeking outside of myself for what I have found today inside.
Not using substances, I felt like I was a virgin all over again! I felt vulnerable, confused, insecure… and that was scary! Can you relate?
Working a recovery program, I was able to heal many areas of my life. One area that the program does not really address is the sex part. To recover my sex life, I put my tools and education in sexuality to address this issue.
The top three things that helped me navigate sober sex are:
- Getting into Erotic Alignment with myself. I believe it is important to include sexuality in folx recovery program from the beginning. In recovery we get to find a new way to live. We redefine our values, what personal beliefs, attitudes, thoughts and feelings we have about everything, including sex. The challenge is we have not had time or a safe space (without moralization and medicalization) to consciously consider and explore what these values are to us. Many of us go through life making unconscious decisions about s3x and relationships. Living out of alignment with our values makes us feel unsafe. Oftentimes we go around with this underlying feeling of tension, projecting our unconscious beliefs onto others and situations in our life. Leading us to repeat the same destructive, disappointing patterns over and over again. Get into Erotic Alignment!
- Embodiment The second thing is that I needed to get out of my head and into my body! How many of you have been going through the motions and not felt Any thing in your body even unable to orgasm? Years of active addiction left me traumatized, desensitized and disconnected. I was not confident in my looks or skills.Embodiment is about reconnecting with our body intelligence through body awareness. Being that I wanted to be present, confident and to experience pleasure and orgasm. Clearly, I had to actually feel my body sensations. Which takes PRACTICE. Finally, when we practice consistently, our practice becomes a way of life. For example, things like breath work, sound, movement, tantra, exercise, nature, dance , music.
- The Erotic Blueprints: I was so disconnected from pleasure in my body. I didn’t even know what felt good to me. Attempting to have sober sex was concerning because I wasn’t sure if I even liked the same things as I did while using substances. Finally, I had an opportunity to discover what I like. The Blueprints gave me a clear language to understand arousal, pleasure in my body and other peoples’. Once I had words to speak what I wanted the next step was allowing myself to receive. Healing shadows, turning obstetrical into pathways for pleasure…with out having to use substances.
Presently, I experience sexuality with confidence, consciousness, and with empowerment!
Free of shame or guilt, free from fears of rejection or anxiety. I am human and experience challenges from time to time as we all do, however, I am fully equipped to navigate he journey and you can be too!
If you would like to learn more about recovering your sex life with sober sex or sex with less substances contact me today! Together we will work on helping you find your pleasure!