How to have consent conversations and not feel like a jerk or weirdo

by Stacie Ysidro

Over the last 10 years of coaching and connecting, I have worked with mostly men and couples. I started out with tantra and sacred sexuality focusing on premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. I have helped men connect to get out of their heads(quiet thoughts)  and into their bodies(feel sensations), harness and control their sexual energy and orgasm. I have helped them get to know women’s bodies and women’s sexual response. They have gained confidence and knowledge that helped them have more sex and importantly more satisfying sex.

Along the way many men have opened up to me about their concerns and fear around dealing with masculinity and understanding women in and out of the bedroom. Men either feel like aggressive entitled jerks or passive pushovers stuck in the friend zone…Men need an assertive safe zone.

In the wake of this me too movement there has been a rise in fear around masculine energy. It has been framed as toxic and detrimental. Not every touch, compliment or glance is an assault. Not every woman feels like a victim. The toxic masculinity frame has harmed men as well as women! The time has come to bring the conscious divine masculine to clarity and shatter the toxic masculine image!

Instead of taking sides let’s come together and communicate in a healthy, loving way.

Fact is, we have a lack of sex education in our country and most of the world. We are not taught  communication skills in general. It is clear why we have so much miscommunication or lack of communication about sexuality.

Women and men have been taught opposite messages around sexuality. It is time to unlearn these harmful ideas, attitudes and beliefs.

Always talk about sex before diving in. If you are not comfortable talking about it, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.

Here are some helpful tips for having conversations around consent with your partner or a potential partner

  • Frame the conversation- Say out loud and agree up front: there are no judgment or expectations and nothing will be taken personally, this is all just information…

What to say, what to ask

  • are you interested in having a monogamous relationship?
  • what does  monogamous mean to you?
  • I’m really into XYZ are you comfortable with that?’
  • I recently saw this type of play and I am interested in experimenting.
  • How do you feel/what do you think about that?
  • Would you like to try xyz with me?
  • Tell me if I am using too much or too little pressure…
  • Does xyz feel good to you?
  • Would you like more pressure than this or less?
  • What are your boundaries in the bedroom? What is completely off the table?
  • What do you find pleasurable?
  • What is not pleasurable to you?
  • What are some things you would like to experiment with?
  • What is you definition of kink? what is taboo to you but is a turn on?

Always keep in mind that in the heat of the moment a yes can become a no but a no can not become a yes. The last thing you want to do is break trust. You can always another conversation and create new boundaries for next time. Better to take it slower and conscious;  then to have remorse later for crossing a line in the heat of the moment.

A little bit of communication even if it feels awkward, can guarantee a more satisfying experience for you both. Keep in mind the more you have these conversations the more comfortable they will become.

For more information on how to step into Divine Masculine or Divine Feminine email me at holisticprogressions@gmail.com to discuss coaching options.

Visit my blog on your tango to see the published version of this post https://www.yourtango.com/experts/stacie-ysidro/consensual-sex-questions-to-ask-your-partner-before-getting-intimate

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